The Senile Files

It has happened again. I can't believe it. Im so embarrassed. Stop it what ever your thinking its not that. What is it then? Well I once again have managed to do something, so embarrassing, so senile if you will, that after the fact I cant belive I actually done something so dumb. It has actually happened to me a lot in my young life, thats why I can tell its not dementia, or old age, because I'm not that old, and the curse of doing these stupid things has been a part of me, my whole life. I guess you can say I'm a repeat offender. I dont actually do the same thing twice, because that would be insane, just once in a while my mind takes a leave of absense, and just runs on auto pilot. Its bad enough when it is working properly, but in these incidents where my brain takes a cramp, well things have a tendecy to go bad. Before I reveal to you the latest addition to "The Senile Files", just let me share some things that have already been filed there to give you a glimpse of what I am talking about. Then you will see why I rank the latest one at the very top.

The first one I want to share is filed in the "Out To Lunch" catagory. It can also be found in the "Pools Cove" file because that is where it took place. While living in Pools Cove, on the South Coast of our beautiful province, I assisted my father-in-law who was pastoring in the community. Many of my duties included, youth pastor, outreach, kids ministry, and I also drove the church bus, busing congregation members from Belloram to Pools Cove for church. At the time of the incident in question there were a lot of new things in my life. Our marriage was only in its early stages, we had a new baby, a new cat, and a brand new 2002, silver, Pontiac Sunfire. On this particular Sunday morning, My father-in-law, was away from town and so I was filling in for him that day preaching twice. It was also my turn to drive the bus. So about two hours before church time, I kissed my new baby, and my beautiful wife, and made my journey to Belleroam, about 45 minutes away. As I drove out, I took time to do the usual. I took notice of the breathtaking scenery around me, I probably sang to myself a little, and started to become overwhelmed in thought of how good my life was going. Things were going well, until about 15-20 minutes into the drive, when something felt strange, it just didn't feel right. It was the bus, there was something wrong. It was'nt handling like it usually had. As I took a look around, I was suddenly awaken to the reality of the problem. Instead of being half way to Belloram to pick up roughly 10 passengers in the usual Dodge passenger van, I realized that I had taken the wrong vehicle and was driving our brand new, 2002, silver Pontiac Sunfire. I know, I know don't say it. There are many more classified under that category that I just don't have the time to go into.

The next incident comes from the "What Was I Thinking" file. This file is chalked full of things that were done knowingly. Things that I attempted to do that I basically had no business doing. For instance things found in this file would include, "Hiking To Green Gardens", "Using My New Car As A Dune Buggy", and "Don't Jump There". It is the latter I will use to illustrate this category. As a child I rarely listened to my parents, even when it was things I knew I was prohibited from for my safety. One rule my parents had when winter time came, was no jumping on icepan's, or as we liked to call it copying. The object of this activity was to wait until the ice in the harbour began to break up. Then see how far out the harbour we could go while jumping from icepan to icepan. (sounds safe doesn't it). To shorten the story, I never listened to my parents on the day of the fore mentioned incident. This day we decide to go "copying" near a part of the harbour where a brook flowed freely into the ocean. Now there is something that happens around the area in which rivers or brooks flow into a larger body of water. A foamy like substance which we refered to has froth formed in patches all around the vicinity of the flowing. Now this froth and ice pans have some things in common. They are found in the ocean, they are found near the shore, and they are white. There is however one major thing that they don't have in common. Icepans are thick and solid, while froth, though it can be thick, is never solid, and anything that was placed on top of it fell right through to the bottom of the ocean. I think you now, given the last story, know where I am going with this. I paid attention to the things in common while totally avoiding the not in common things. So out I jumps, thud (that was a solid), thud, thud, thud, doing good. Thud, thud, thud, splash. Yes I said splash. I hit the not solid froth which I had mistaken for the solid ice, and like anything else placed on such a surface went up to my chin in icy cold water. I know what you are thinking, its karma. I should've listened to my parents. As true as that is, karma had nothing to to with it. It was just another senile act, which finds itself in my jammed pack edition of the "Senile Files."

Another file which seems to be overflowing with cases, is the "Did I Just Say That" category. This one contains more then just slips of the tongue, but also untimely statements. These are things mostly said while preaching. One of these gems happened while pastoring in Nain Labrador. The week before, during my sermon preperation, I decide on using the New International Version bible to help me explain the passage I was preaching on. Not sure now what that was, but knew that it could be explained better to my congregation while using the NIV. The service went well, and then came the time for the sermon. About halfway through the passage, I realized that I had been using the King James Version rather than the originally intended NIV. So instead of just finishing, and attempting to preach the sermon from the version used, I felt it was necessary to let the church know that I was using a different version than I had intended on using. Here is what I said: "Oh I'm sorry but I brought the wrong virgin to church tonight." There was silence, except for the commotion in my head. What did I just say? What did that mean? Fortunately none of the congregation members notice, I had dodged a bullet. Unfortunately, my wife, heard every word of it. Other slips of the tongue included, Moses taking his feet off on Holy Ground, telling the congregation to grab one in other in the name of the Lord, when I meant to say greet one another. And this classic; after preaching on the potters house saying to the congregation, "maybe tonight you need a trip to the pastor's house (I meant potter's house). These are only tip's of the iceberg, and all that my pride and dignity will allow me to tell you right now (like any of that matters after this blog).

Those are only a few file names. I don't have time to go into the, "In My Sleep", or the "How Clumsy Am I", and the "How Can A Person Prank Themselves" files. But I do however owe you an explanation for writing this blog, and telling you what incident which happened just a few hours ago, caused me to share confidential happenings from these files with you today. Well here it goes. This must be one of the stupidest and most embarrassing things I had ever done to this point (and I say that loosely). While packing this afternoon for our move to our new apartment in Pasadena, I came across a baseball cap. This cap was not mine but rather it was my wife's. I knew this because it was a pink breast cancer hat. I decided to put it on and go and see how long before my wife sees how outrageously funny I am (she was packing in the next room). But immediately after putting it on, the thought flew out of my head again with the reminder of all the work I had left to do in front of me. So instead of parading around in front of my wife with a pink hat on, I decided to get back to work. One problem though, I forgot to take off the hat. Eventually it felt like a normal hat, like my hat. After packing for some time I had gotten thirsty, not just any thirst but a thirst for a nice cold Pepsi. I decided to pause my packing and to find my way to a store somewhere to fulfill my dreams of that satisfying drink (for less than a twonie some dreams can come true). I Then told my wife of my plans and made my way to the store. Once inside I remembered thinking, my hat feels much more comfortable than usual. After I gather the merchandise I came to purchase, including two bottles of Pepsi, I proceeded to the cash. I noticed the cashier looking and me rather oddly. I just thought maybe she was in awe of my good looks. That was until while leaving the store I notice my reflection in the door. Instead of my Canadian tire Nascar hat on my head, I was prancing around the town of Deer Lake with a pink, breast cancer hat (with a studded ribbon imprinted on its peak), on my noggin. And what a noggin it is.

So its one more case for the files, under a totally new title. A title which I am sure before my time is up will be filled to the brim with cases, that only can be a part of the "Senile Files"...Oh I'm Sorry the name of that new title? it is called the "Reasons I Need Adult Supervision Wherever I Go" file. :)